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One of the most difficult transitions in life to face is perhaps a divorce or separation from a partner with whom you have children. This is where Coparenting 101 will help support parents in raising a well-adjusted child. Divorce or separation can be painful for the parents and children. Children are looking to their parents […]
One of the most difficult transitions in life to face is perhaps a divorce or separation from a partner with whom you have children. This is where Coparenting 101 will help support parents in raising a well-adjusted child. Divorce or separation can be painful for the parents and children. Children are looking to their parents for emotional reassurance. No matter their age, the separation of one’s parents is a difficult challenge to face. It can also be challenging to co-parent with an ex-partner.
The truth is, if the children are young, you have many years ahead of you of working through the potentially awkward, definitely uncomfortable unyielding, and the formidable realm of parenting responsibilities. Co-parenting requires empathy, patience, and open communication for success. Despite the difficulty, it is crucial that you and your co-parent are on the same page. It is important to work together when it comes to parenting strategies with little ones and teens alike. Here are some best practices to keep in mind when planning your parenting strategy.
Arrange to do this through whichever medium works best for your family, be it email, texting, letters, or face-to-face conversation. There are even some apps you can download directly to your phone where you can upload schedules, share information, and communicate with parents. However, It is imperative that your child is not used as the primary source of information.
Children thrive under routine and structure, especially when in the midst of a confusing divorce or separation. Issues like mealtime, bedtime, and completing chores should be consistent. This sense of security and predictability for children will help to protect against future manipulation and pitting co-parents against one another. Research shows that children in homes with a unified parenting approach have greater well-being.
Model for your children that you wish for them to have a positive relationship with the other parent. Make it a rule to not talk disrespectfully about the other parent. With your extended family make sure that they are aware that negative talk is not allowed around the children. Focusing on the positive qualities of your co-parent will also allow your children to do the same. Times of great transition in our lives are also times of great learning, for both you and your children. The transition will test the depth of your maturity and patience. Your children will need you there to support them as they deal with painful emotions. As always, remember that despite the pain of the separation or divorce, you are the parent, and it is your job to rise above the temptations that may present themselves.
Of course, the pain of separation will be tough on you, and it is absolutely fine for you to seek support (or therapy of your own). However, no matter how good of a listener they are, your child does not need to be subject to the emotionally charged issues surrounding the divorce or separation. Research shows that allowing children to be in the middle of adult issues promotes a sense of helplessness and insecurity. This rule also stands for attempting to use your children as bartering chips in an all-out war. Coparenting 101 encourages the parents to talk with one another and now place the children in the middle of the conflict.
Resist the temptation to be the “cool parent” when your children are with you. This tends to only serve to create a cycle of resentment, hostility, and resistance to rules that will surely become an issue later on in life. By allowing your child to wiggle out of responsibility, you might get the desired result at first, but it turns out you are creating more challenges for your children in the long run. Consistency is key in successful transitions from household to household. Coparenting 101- get down to the basics and coparent for the best interest of your children.
When you get word of something your co-parent did from your children, take a breath and remain quiet. Remember that it’s always good to remain neutral when things like this happen, as your child can learn to resent and distrust you if you cheer them on. On this note, pursue clarification with your co-parent if an aspect of their parenting style is troubling to you.
If it is difficult to have constructive conversations with the other parent because of your history together, think of it as a working business relationship. Use those positive communication skills, and practice the message you want to get across without pointing fingers or blaming them into a defensive stance where little will get accomplished.
Do not give in to guilt – It is easy to see how tempting it may be to allow negative feelings about not being in your child’s life on a full-time basis, or for putting them in a difficult situation to easily convert into acts of overindulgence to “make up” for a “broken home”. Learn how to express empathy for your children and their feelings about the situation, but set limits and remain consistent. Research shows that without limits, children can become self-centered, lack empathy, and be left unrestrained, which will lead to an inflated sense of entitlement.
If it has not become abundantly apparent, working through a separation and figuring out how to co-parent well is decidedly one of the most important events that will impact the development of a child. Equally apparent is the amount of willpower and strength it requires to lead your children through such a challenge into healthy adjustment. You may find it helpful to recruit a counselor who has helped countless families navigate these very same waters either to help process your feelings about the separation or to help establish a co-parenting strategy with the other parent.
We are here to teach you the Coparenting 101 skills and support your family during this transition. Please call our office at 610-248-0059 to schedule an appointment today.
This blog was written and prepared by Rachel O’Connor.